Star Wars Nutz

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*For obvious reasons there will be no photos of my bits with this post. Just imagine the agony and the ecstasy of the ugly bits. Actually don’t imagine the ecstasy, that would be creepy.

Last year at Coast to Kosci I made a rookie mistake of changing my um, lubrication strategy the day before the race, and things went as badly as you might expect. for my red and bleeding parts I received the high honour of a ‘chafing award’ which was a caterers pack of 2Toms Powder. It’s great stuff, I’ll hopefully get around to doing a review before it’s all gone.

So I have at least one ugly scar from that race, and let’s face it, genitals are not the prettiest things around. Well, male genitals anyway. However, when my wife gazes upon my naked body, I want her to think ‘business time‘ and not ‘you’re such a f/ing idiot’.

So a new approach was needed. I figured getting the whole area lasered would meet the requirements, and with one raised eyebrow from my wife as permission, I was off.

Does Killian yell in the dark of the night 'don't touch my nuts?'

Does Killian yell in the dark of the night ‘don’t touch my nuts?’

First of all, let me apologise. To all of the lovely young ladies who thought that working in a beauty therapy clinic would be fun. It probably was until I darkened your doorstep. Now you’ll need a different kind of therapy. Although they do appear to extract a few other things from you as well as your dignity. Females can get their crack zapped for about $30, males are more like $150.

Can you think of another problem? Yes punters, males wear their genitals on the outside, meaning that the most sensitive bits are subject to the full horror of the machine that goes ‘ping’, or rather ‘zap’- and the hair disappears at the same time as any thought you had of remaining zen about the whole thing.

Here’s a few techniques-

  1. Lying back and thinking of England- CONFIRM DOES NOT WORK
  2. Making ‘pew pew’ sounds as the laser hits your pale flesh- CONFIRM DOES NOT WORK
  3. Trying to jump less than 10cm off the table when nuts zapped- CONFIRM DOES NOT WORK
  4. Avoid whimpering like little girl- LITTLE GIRLS HAVE THEIR BITS PROTECTED YOU IDIOT

Well, I didn’t say the advice would be worth anything. Remember this all occurs while you have your leg in the air trying to give some poor underpaid (did I just say that?) sadist a good look at your goolies. And then the perfume of burned hair wafts around the room.

And now, even if I don’t get another crack at Coast to Kosci- I’ve got Star Wars Nutz.

Pew Pew!

*I was just reminded by my Coach that I’d totally forgotten the whole point of this post. So, does it stop you from getting horrible, ugly scars on your tackle?
Well, I don’t know because I haven’t done any really long runs BUT- I am pretty sure it will help. Mostly because the hair so unkindly zapped off by the torture machine was about as soft as a Brillo pad. So not soft. And what’s left is soft. So I think we’re on to a winner.

Coach also asked me if I was swapping running for a career in porn. So I replied ‘what the hell do you think I was doing BEFORE running?’